2 weeks in | thehiker's Blog

Seperations aren't easy, that's for sure. Emotional turmoil and financial chaos seem to ride in like waves at the beach. Tears and bills and a whole lot of house cleaning later, and I'm thinking I can do this. I can make it work if I just stay focused. Focus however is something I've never been all that good at. Whatever....., I'll still get by.

Even as everything seems topsy turvy it starts to level out for the most part. I think the worst of it is my wife's phone calls and visits. That's when the emotional shit gets to the boiling point. I spend a long time after those feeling like a failure and an asshole. I've always had an assholic side though so I can deal with that. Failure on the other hand isn't quite as easy to contemplate and get past. I don't try to do too much in this world, but when I do I usually do it. To have a marriage that I strove to keep viable for soooooo long fall to pieces is just a blow to the old ego.

I suppose I know I could have done better and that's a big part of it. Should have done more things as a husband, I guess. But my love isn't ever what it should be. I say it all the time but people don't get it. They don't get me. It's hard to explain and even harder to understand. All I know is that she says she loves me and when she looks at me she looks as if she's staring at some weirdo stranger. Even as she says the words she'll tell me she doesn't understand me or anything I do. I find that an odd hing to say the least. I mean seriously..., how can you love something you don't understand or know ?

I can take one look into my wife's eyes and tell you exactly what she's thinking. What she'll say next. I always could.

I don't know, I'm just rambling off because I haven't typed anything in a while. I meant to just say I was busy due to the seperation so my comments and replies here are suffering for it. No big deal. It's not like I'm going to solve the world's problems. I just feel like I owe people sometimes. Though even with that said the only person who's debt needs to be paid in full is the debt to Nicole (my daughter). Everything else falls way behind the curve.

Want to learn something about me ?
Google - Dysexecutive Syndrome....., that'll learn ya.

Anyway, have fun..., enjoy the days..., sleep well at night...., I'm outta here for a moment or two.


This Blog Entry's Comment Board (5 comments)
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Posted on 12:53PM on Sep 12th, 2012
I totally "get" that you own your end of the break up....But....I also think she owns an end too and right now you might be trying to shoulder it all.....That isn't good for you...No matter what... it takes 2 to make it and 2 to break it way or another she played her part in this too....
Posted on 01:02PM on Sep 12th, 2012
I just read up on the Dysexecutive you tried any of the therapies they recommend? Very complex to say the least.... hugs....
Posted on 07:40PM on Sep 12th, 2012
its always hardest at the very beginning of any major shift or change . . . . everything is chaos at its best . . . but time does amazing things to chaos . . . soon you and yours will adjust . . . things will calm down . . . and play themselves out until things are settled once more one way or another . . . hang in there guy . . .
Posted on 02:17AM on Sep 14th, 2012
I just wrote something very similar a few weeks back..Ironically, I think mine was titled 30 days out, lol. So, I'm also in the very early stages of the separation...we'd been married close to twenty years, and I think, no matter how much we need to move on in life sometimes, that there is always going to be some voice whispering about shoulda/coulda done better. But it takes two to make it sucessful, and it takes two to **** it up.

Anyway, I'm rambling, but I wanted you to know that I'm going through this exact thing right now, and I can relate. If you want an ear, a shoulder, or a goofy joke to make you smile...I'm your girl.
Posted on 10:33PM on Oct 6th, 2012
If you don't mind me asking: How were you diagnosed with DES?
You do seem a tortured soul, but aren't all good Poets?
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