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thehiker's Blog


Tonight

It's been a weird day. I've felt aggrivated beyond reason since I woke this morning.
Not even sure why I stopped here and started typing. Guess I just need to think and stare blankly at this stupid screen. Even seeing my letter come up one by one seem to irritate me a little bit.

Maybe I'll type a real blog soon

Later,
Rob

Wonderments

I often wondered about the perception that others might have of me. I write some good amount of negative natured things on these pages. Within my poetry for instance there are some fairly depressed sounding topics. I've always had a weird way of being able to vent my negative emotion through rhymes. Quite often they take on a life of thier own in the process. At times I manage to do well with the happier, more flowery things, but they often sound like something from a children's book in my estimations.

Recently, I had someone that sat on my friends list for months send me a message saying I'm an asshole and then he blocked me. While I don't really care that much about it, it did make me wonder what he may have read or heard to make him feel that way about me.

There are multiple ongoing discussions about the various types of men found within the world here at EP. I sometimes wonder about where I fall in those talks as well. Again, I don't really care that much about it. I just wonder a bit sometimes.

All in all, I like myself well enough. Despite my go arounds with spotty depression. I do what I believe to be right for the most part in my everyday life. I seek to treat people fairly and kindly. I'm probably more of a beta male I suppose if I stopped to think about it. Though I don't really take to the complete idea of that.

I was bored this morning and decided to babble. That's what this is ..., a babbling wonderment. Not looking for answers to it really. Just kind of wondering out loud.

I guess if you felt like answering a question for me you could answer this -- Do you think my darker poetics give way to the perception of weakness or being less than manly? Do I come across as an asshole or someone that is overly needful?

Hello

So here I am, not sleeping. Woken up by sharp pain in the shoulder I was sleeping on.Figured I may as well aggravate myself by typing on my stupid smartphone.

Just kinda wanted to say hi, is all. I don't do that enough these days. It's the regretted piece of terminating my internet and cable to save money. Watcha gonna do?

Anyway, I'm going to try and get back to the dream I was having. It was a really nice dream. It's odd how in the dream I was laughing with a sexy friend who punched me lightly on the shoulder that was hurting.

Ever wonder about things like that? How stuff from the real world can affect what your dreaming about?

I do.

I'll see ya when I see ya, I guess. Until then ....,

Be well, live happy, die trying.

Rob

Hello

So here I am, not sleeping. Woken up by sharp pain in the shoulder I was sleeping on.Figured I may as well aggravate myself by typing on my stupid smartphone.

Just kinda wanted to say hi, is all. I don't do that enough these days. It's the regretted piece of terminating my internet and cable to save money. Watcha gonna do?

Anyway, I'm going to try and get back to the dream I was having. It was a really nice dream. It's odd how in the dream I was laughing with a sexy friend who punched me lightly on the shoulder that was hurting.

Ever wonder about things like that? How stuff from the real world can affect what your dreaming about?

I do.

I'll see ya when I see ya, I guess. Until then ....,

Be well, live happy, die trying.

Rob

Magic


 

Im a wheel, Im a wheel
I can roll, I can feel
And you cant stop me turning
cause Im the sun, Im the sun
I can move, I can run
But youll never stop me burning

Come down with fire
Lift my spirit higher
Someones screaming my name
Come and make me holy again
Im the man on the silver mountain
Im the man on the silver mountain

Im the day, Im the day
I can show you the way
And look Im right beside you
Im the night, Im the night
Im the dark and the light
With eyes that see inside you

Come down with fire
Lift my spirit higher
Someones screaming my name
Come and make me holy again
Im the man on the silver mountain
Im the man on the silver mountain

Just look at me and listen
Im the man, the man, give you my hand
Come down with fire
Lift my spirit higher
Im the man on the silver mountain
Im the man on the silver mountain
Im the night the light
The black and the white
The man on the silver mountain


2 weeks in

Seperations aren't easy, that's for sure. Emotional turmoil and financial chaos seem to ride in like waves at the beach. Tears and bills and a whole lot of house cleaning later, and I'm thinking I can do this. I can make it work if I just stay focused. Focus however is something I've never been all that good at. Whatever....., I'll still get by.

Even as everything seems topsy turvy it starts to level out for the most part. I think the worst of it is my wife's phone calls and visits. That's when the emotional shit gets to the boiling point. I spend a long time after those feeling like a failure and an asshole. I've always had an assholic side though so I can deal with that. Failure on the other hand isn't quite as easy to contemplate and get past. I don't try to do too much in this world, but when I do I usually do it. To have a marriage that I strove to keep viable for soooooo long fall to pieces is just a blow to the old ego.

I suppose I know I could have done better and that's a big part of it. Should have done more things as a husband, I guess. But my love isn't ever what it should be. I say it all the time but people don't get it. They don't get me. It's hard to explain and even harder to understand. All I know is that she says she loves me and when she looks at me she looks as if she's staring at some weirdo stranger. Even as she says the words she'll tell me she doesn't understand me or anything I do. I find that an odd hing to say the least. I mean seriously..., how can you love something you don't understand or know ?

I can take one look into my wife's eyes and tell you exactly what she's thinking. What she'll say next. I always could.

I don't know, I'm just rambling off because I haven't typed anything in a while. I meant to just say I was busy due to the seperation so my comments and replies here are suffering for it. No big deal. It's not like I'm going to solve the world's problems. I just feel like I owe people sometimes. Though even with that said the only person who's debt needs to be paid in full is the debt to Nicole (my daughter). Everything else falls way behind the curve.

Want to learn something about me ?
Google - Dysexecutive Syndrome....., that'll learn ya.

Anyway, have fun..., enjoy the days..., sleep well at night...., I'm outta here for a moment or two.

Rob


Ha ha. Peek-A-Boo

Yeah, I saw you. It was pointed out to me but, whatever. Anyways, sorry for whatever. That's as far as I'm willing to go though. Nice touch blending in the two yous into one. I found that part particularly fun. Especially how they seemed to be soooo different from each other.

I guess I can bring myself to understand that part, even if there are parts of all of it that I'll never get. Like - Why is it I suddenly feel like an experiment, or case study ? Why do I also feel like the butt of some great joke I was never privvy to ?

Don't bother answering. I know you'd rather not. It's all good.

I've decided I can be the light bulb most people want to make me into. Turn me off, turn me on, twist me in and out. The thing is...., now I've flipped the switch.

Boy..., is it dark in here. Good thing I got these night vision goggles.

WHOOT - motherfuckin- WHOOT !

libel me - label me - will not unstable me
like me loathe me - cant ever control me
love me hate me, can no longer frustrate me

So..., how many times you on my friends list now ? WHATEVER !!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I said it. I always do.........................

Like I give a fuck

 

I am THE SNOWDOG ! It's how I like it these days.


Assume what you will. I know what I know.

 

Though, I do appreciate the concern.

For Women Everywhere - You're all so Beautiful - Much Love

 


 


 

Progressions

 

There is plenty of magic if you know where to look

 


 


 


 

I need to Ease Down Slow

 

On the Outs.

It's odd when you go through your circle and find people missing from your friends list. Even if you know the most probable reason for it, it's still odd. Just removed without a word. No warning. No chance to explain whatever it was that caused it. Just gone, removed, and simply banished.  I've known for a while, but just couldn't bring myself to mention it after the first sharp pain. Who was I kidding anyway. Blocked by 1, left by another, removed by a few.

Even King Henry told his wives why he was chopping thier heads off.
I am hardly royalty however. Just a guy. One that's obviously misunderstood. What I wanted was so obviously not in the cards. If it were, then perhaps I would have been given a clue. It's not like there wasn't ample opportunity for that. A guy can't be left to flounder and guess forever.

Well..., I guess it is what it is then. That thing happened and out of loyalty you then removed me. You're all probably right anyway. I know what I appear like to some people. I'm not quite that though. My friends are my friends. Can't blame me because I'm never asked and people assume shit. The imagination is a wonderous thing and when it turns in on itself, well..., sometimes that causes us to jump to hurtful conclusions. I wish things were different.

Just tell the first I'm sorry.

BTW -  Did I ever tell you that your profiles were so similar that you could have been the same ? Maybe that's it....

What the fuck do I know anyway ?

I'm not even sure why I typed this anyway. Probably because I'm ready for another long break.

My name has always been Rob

The Turn Around -

Today is the day after yesterday, and the day just before all my tomorrows. Just gotta keep singing and bringing everything I can envision.

 

There's not much to say, and it's high time I lost the sorrows. Just gotta keep singing and bringing everything I can envision.

 
 


HFBD !!


 



 

 

Fuck It !

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Another Whatever.......

Today sucks ! I swear all I really want to do right now is go to sleep for the rest of the damned year, and wake up sometime after next January.


You see, I've mentioned a time or two before, how I've let a lot of dreams slip right out of my fingers. Well..., recently my wife and I have been having problems and things looked very bleak around here. They still do for the most part, but she's pretty insistent we keep struggling onward to try and fix that. Unfortunately, she hasn't really been keeping up with the promises she made when she asked for such reconcilliations. I had found her an apartment, and was all ready to get divorced and move to Seattle, WA. That's when my daughter asked me not to go. Soon after my wife began to make promises and for a few weeks she looked like she meant business. I let the apartment go and began to do as I was asked in the name of our 19 year relationship. My efforts seem to be wasted, but still I try. Even as everything she's offered to do has fallen by the wayside and she slowly slips back into the manipulations, and depressions of the past that led us here in the first place. I really don't see a good ending to any of it, but hell, if I can make it another year and a half my daughter will be 18, and at that point I can just melt away.

All of that is still a different story from the one I'm telling today, but it does provide the backdrop for the rest of what I have to say.

So, anyways....., I was going to move to Seattle. My reasons were selfish and uncomplicated. It's always been a dream of mine to go to Alaska and climb Denali. That mountain would be the crowning achievement of over 25 years of hiking ambitions. I feel I could do it by myself but trying such a venture on a solo hike is simply irresponsible. So I started to look at guided services a few years back and found out that for any group to accept you as a climbing member you needed to do something on a glacier with them first. Kind of an assesment trip. Well after it looked like the end of everything was at hand here I decided to go to Seattle and climb Raineir with such a group this January. I had planned to move out there as a way to curb the future costs of getting to Alaska sometime next June. I had most of it all worked out in my head but after the plea from my daughter I knew a move was out of the question. Then came the promises.....

 

Well, I changed it all up. I kept up with most of my training, cut back to a half pack of smokes a day from a full pack (number still decreasing), do the running when I can, and started saving for the trip to Washington to climb Rainier. I've still been researching the whole Denali thing too, though logistics are a fripping nightmare for me as I'm East Coast and the travell costs alone are staggering for such a venture.Still it's all pretty much achievable if I kept at it all and found some alternative means of gaining extra cash. Some added shifts reffing..., a side job or two..., maybe even a part time job for a few months to a year.... Like I said, harder, but doable.

 

That was all before today, however. You see, I've had these tooth issues for years that I've wanted to take care of. I recently decided to get serious on that and take care of it once and for all. I've been in and out of the dentist's chair for about a month now. Mostly consults and treatment planning. I was thinking it would cost me before it was all said and done, but not to the degree it's going to. I just got all the numbers today after a grueling "Deep Clean" thing they did as prep work for the rest of it. With the plan set and number tallies at the ready I did me some math. Finally costs of everything including this cleaning I now owe for -- $4,120 !!!

 

Needless to say trying to come up with that money and then the money for the trips is damn near impossible without a winning lottery ticket.

 

I have dental coverage. The thing is however, the place I'm using is out of network for purposes of pricing and scheduling ease. That means I need to pay up front and submit claims to the insurance company. Here's the kicker...., They pay into services for the first $2000 per calendar year. There's some percentage things involved there but pretty much if I spend 2 grand, they'll give it back. With the tally just over 4K, it seems to me the smartest thing to do is to start everything off in late November. It was always a 2 stage plan anyway, and though the pricing isn't broken clean in half, it's near enough that if I time it right and get the first stage done before NewYears, and the Second half done after NewYears, it will be a final out of pocket cost (after all reinbursments) that sits somewhere around $600. That's not too bad at all.

 

Now, if you look at the date of the 1st trip I was planning..., the qualifying trip for Denali..., the date is January 6th. Yup, smack dab in the middle of the treatment plans I need to go with in order to not get leveled financially. That my friends, is the killer blow. The thing that at the very least pushes back what looks to be my last real childhood dream. Maybe even kills it all together. Given my age, my finacial situation, and the timing of things like this, combined with the uncertain nature of my marital status...., well..., I just feel like it's all over but the crying, now. Another dream gone by the wayside. Another whatever to pile on top of all the other whatever's of my existience.

 

Yeah..., today just sucks. I might get my smile back, but will there ever be anything to smile about ?

 

Fucking whatever......................................Just Another Whatever.......


The Truth May Vary

 

My Poems

I've been rhyming a real long time. Hell, it goes all the way back to my formative years when I was writing those "Roses are Red" poems for my mom. 1 time I wrote a real good one too. I don't remember what I wrote but I do remember my mom's reaction to it. She cried and hugged me and said "It's hard to believe you're only 6". I felt special that day.

I've always been able to take almost any word and immediately find a word that rhymes it. I'm not even sure how that happened. I know I could do it before I started reading comic books when I was 10. Anyway, rhyming is something I've always been able to do. Mastering the flow and tempo of my rhymes came later. When I hit my teens I got into the whole rap, and break dancing thing of the 80's. I loved RunD.M.C. and the Fat Boys. I listened to the raps and slowly began to understand the tempo and flow aspect of it. The rest as they say...., Is History.

These days, I sometimes get that "Special" feeling when people comment on my rhyming and poetry. It's nice to have people say some of the things they say about them. It's very flattering to think that people actually think there's some talent involved with what I do. I never pay myself much mind when it comes to my writes. They are what they are and that's all I think they might ever be. The sad thing about poets is, all the great ones are dead before they're told how great they are. I suppose I could live (or die for that matter) with that. Not that I think I'm great, or anything, but I don't think I'd mind getting famous after I died. It would be the perfect ending to this life. Even better if total strangers make all the profit while my family starves to death in the street. How fitting would that be ?

Well, these rhymes I write..., I really don't like too many of them. Actually a lot of them I even could say I hate.  There are a few I like, and maybe one or two that I look at and think are very good even, but overall..., I don't see much in them. Still, I type and type and people tend to enjoy them, so I doubt I'll stop anytime before I die. I really like doing them. It helps sometimes when I interlace them with small truths. Small pices of my soul go into each one. Though you'd be surprised at where I draw my inspirations from most times, I think. As often as not the rhymes have very little to do with solid thoughts and feelings and more or less become something unintended by the time I'm done.

I will sit and start to say one thing and the way the words take off from there could be anyone's guess. I'll come across a word that I want there and then to rhyme it the whole thing will shift slightly. The process of that will repeat itself from time to time throughout the set. By the time I'm finished typing I'm often surprised by what I have in front of me. Sometimes I like it, but as I said..., I still haven't typed up a masterpiece yet. Well..., that may not really be true.

You see..., last week I typed a rhyme that took over an hour to finish. I stared at it for a long time, reading and re-reading it. I was actually proud that I wrote it. It was good..., real good ! I was feeling pretty good about it thinking that it was the best thing I had ever typened. I went to post and of all the stupid things to do, I mis-clicked. In the blink of an eye it was gone. The whole damned thing...., just gone. I was pretty upset with myself and in frustration I whacked my tower. I didn't mean to hit it as hard as I did, but I rocked it a bit and it cracked my window that sits behind it. So, not only do I lose the rhyme but I lost the money for the window too. That whole day was a bad day for me. The only hing that came out right was the poetics of that rhyme. It was the longest rhyme I've ever typened too. To lose it just plain sucked. It's like a small piece of my soul went with it.


I wish I could remember it word for word, but I can't. That's the thing about my rhymes. When I type them up, they're coming straight off the top of my head. I don't write them down. I don't do a lot of editing. I just type what hits my head and put it up for whoever wants to read them.

I had planned on typing more but I'm out of time. Maybe I'll finish this tomorrow.......



1-20 of 60 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Tonight, posted July 31st, 2014, 2 comments
Wonderments, posted November 24th, 2012, 6 comments
Hello, posted October 22nd, 2012, 1 comment
Hello, posted October 22nd, 2012
Magic, posted September 19th, 2012, 1 comment
2 weeks in, posted September 12th, 2012, 5 comments
Ha ha. Peek-A-Boo, posted September 5th, 2012, 4 comments
Assume what you will. I know what I know., posted August 15th, 2012, 1 comment
For Women Everywhere - You're all so Beautiful - Much Love, posted August 13th, 2012, 3 comments
Progressions, posted August 11th, 2012
There is plenty of magic if you know where to look, posted August 5th, 2012, 4 comments
I need to Ease Down Slow, posted July 27th, 2012
On the Outs., posted July 23rd, 2012, 1 comment
The Turn Around -, posted July 19th, 2012, 3 comments
HFBD !!, posted July 17th, 2012
**** It !, posted July 15th, 2012
Another Whatever......., posted July 11th, 2012, 1 comment
The Truth May Vary, posted July 11th, 2012
My Poems, posted July 9th, 2012
If you hear me talking on the wind, you've got to understand.....we must remain--, posted July 3rd, 2012, 1 comment
Yeah, I am !, posted July 3rd, 2012, 2 comments
All for what ?, posted June 30th, 2012, 1 comment
Dreaming..., On and On and On, posted June 28th, 2012
Burning, posted June 28th, 2012, 2 comments
Randomly Annonymous Blatherings, posted June 25th, 2012, 3 comments
Ziggy Marley Live in Lowell, posted June 24th, 2012, 3 comments
Party On People. Be Wild...., Be Free -- Have a Good Time, posted June 22nd, 2012
Funkasaurus (sorry for the sound quality - taken on my phone), posted June 17th, 2012, 6 comments
The Penguins ~ Spring 2012, posted June 9th, 2012, 5 comments
Saturday, posted June 9th, 2012, 4 comments
Music won't solve your problems..., but it can't make things worse, posted June 2nd, 2012
Bzzt ! -- Bzzt !, posted May 29th, 2012, 1 comment
Touches of the Madman ( a rambling dissertation {of sorts}), posted May 28th, 2012, 4 comments
What to Do ?, posted May 27th, 2012, 2 comments
It Doesn't - Nope, It Doesn't, posted May 26th, 2012, 4 comments
3 new things you've never read, posted May 26th, 2012
Tossed Salad of the Dissed Executive Madman, posted May 26th, 2012, 6 comments
Mystic Mind, posted May 25th, 2012, 1 comment
3 old rhymes. Maybe you'll like them......... ???, posted May 24th, 2012
Walking into the Kitchen This Morning..., I Realized......, posted May 24th, 2012, 2 comments
Something that really wasn't for here, posted May 24th, 2012, 7 comments
Rhymes From the EP Ashes, posted May 23rd, 2012, 2 comments
How Odd, posted May 23rd, 2012, 1 comment
M O T S M, posted May 23rd, 2012, 1 comment
Bus Stop Rendezvous, posted May 22nd, 2012, 2 comments
Dancing in the Rains of Chance, posted May 22nd, 2012, 3 comments
Avatar People, posted May 22nd, 2012
Inner Conversations, posted May 21st, 2012, 3 comments
I'm a Little sad Today (written May 1st), posted May 16th, 2012, 5 comments
I Don't Know....., Do You ?, posted May 16th, 2012, 3 comments
1-50 of 63 Blog Posts   

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